I’m a yes girl. I admit it. Need someone to help you with a task? I’ll do it. Can’t figure something out? I’ll help you. I am your go-to girl! The problem is that I sometimes give of myself at the sacrifice of my own needs or priorities- especially if I care about you. Now before you go all deep and philosophical on me about my childhood, let me beat you to the punch and tell you that I already know where it comes from. It is something I learned at a young age. My mom (who died when I was 15) was the same way. I watched her sacrifice her time, money and even sleep to help others. After she died, I found myself (even at 15) doing the same thing- after all, my mother was beautiful, smart, funny and let’s face it pretty much perfect J . So, why wouldn’t I choose to be like her?
Recently, I was talking to my oldest daughter, who at 13, is one of the most caring people I know. She was very upset about a situation her friend was going through. While she provided support to this friend, she wasn’t physically able to be with her because of how far away she lives. I watched my daughter cry over not being able to help. The facts were:
- She did a great job supporting her friend and was very helpful.
- Her friend appreciated it (thanks to the wonders of video chat she was able to express it face to face).
- She could not have done more without getting into a bunch of trouble and risking danger to herself.
Seems like that would have been enough for her to feel like she did the right thing. Wrong! Even at 13, she felt “guilty” for not doing more. That was my “Aha” moment. You see, she learned that from me, just as I learned from my mother. Think about it. All of us are born as selfish people who want what we want when we want it (ever watched a 2 year old?). We are taught to give and share as we grow up. However, some of us are not taught the boundaries for sharing and giving to others and it somehow creates feelings of guilt when we can’t, particularly for girls.
So I am now motivated to change my ways. For myself and for my girls. A month ago, I decided it was Time for No. I am working to set boundaries for myself while still giving of myself, my time, my money and my skills where I can. This is definitely a work in progress! Now, I work to say:
No, I can’t help with that.
No I can’t do that.
No, I am not available.
And most importantly,
No, I don’t feel bad or guilty in any way for saying so.
Our kids model themselves after what we do – not necessarily what we say. I hope my Time for No will teach my girls that it is OK to say no and be confident in doing so.
Are you or have you been a yes girl too? Is it your Time for No? I would love to hear from you! Share your comments below.
THIS IS GREAT!! I was(still working on it) the YES GIRL for everything… That habit broke for me at the age of 26. I was so devastated about a situation and it was my Dad who said… Baby, you are ALWAYS saying YES and over extending yourself and others(not all)may not value that about you. My Dad said baby you are going to have to learn to say NO and be ok with saying NO and not feel guilty.. Well, the first time I said NO, I felt like 10,000 bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. I realized that I was carrying other peoples burdens and it wasn’t mines to carry. I FEEL like we can help, but, I have also FELT that we don’t have to burden ourselves. What I have FOUND is that it’s not our job to fix it. We can support, but, with boundaries. We have to protect ourselves and not let ourselves get lost in the process of helping that we become overwhelmed and consumed, because, then the question is, how can we help anyone else when we NOW need Help ourselves… I still struggle with this area, as I am still a work in progress also :).. But, I have definitely taken more control over my responses and to evaluate the situation before I commit and say YES to make sure that I am capable and able to keep my commitment and my word… KEEP THE INSPIRATION COMING BELINDA !! I LOVE THEM!!!
I used to be like that too. Always willing to help whomever asks. I still say yes, but not as often as I used to. Now whether I say yes or no is determined by what I’m doing, how I’m feeling & if I really want to do it in the first place. The lesson you are teaching your daughters is definitely a needed lesson. Thanks, as usual, for sharing your words of wisdom.