It’s Not About You

What’s wrong?  That question seemed to come up quite often during the first year of my marriage.  It was a question I asked my husband often, especially when he got home from work. Before I go on, you have to understand that I married a man who never meets a stranger.  People instantly like him!  He has a smile that lights up any room and he is incredibly funny.  So whenever his smile was not on his face or he didn’t seem to exude happiness, I would ask that question:  What’s wrong?  What’s funny is that I would become so obsessed with “analyzing”  and “interpreting” what I thought was clearly wrong with him that I would then have an attitude with him because he said nothing was wrong!  Isn’t that crazy?  Then because I would get an attitude, my attitude would change the whole tone and atmosphere of the house! Let me pause right there for a minute:  If you are a woman, you set the tone in your house!  They say “If mama ain’t happy, no one is happy”.  It’s true!  Stop complaining, nagging and finding fault with every little thing!  Maybe you aren’t happy because of YOU… not someone else! I’m gonna leave that one right there…

OK, where was I…Oh, right!  My attitude during my analysis of the imaginary problem that he was having would cause him to have an attitude too!  You see, my husband was working a very tough job.  He dealt with people and their emotions all day long.  He was placed in difficult situations that he had to navigate every day.  When he got home, he was just happy to be home with his new wife.  He appreciated my presence…he said he felt at peace (at least when I didn’t have an attitude).  OK, that’s another one:  If your husband comes home and there is no peace, he will find a place where there is peace…a restaurant, a bar, his job, his car…another woman’s house…I’m just saying…leaving that one there too….

All he wanted to do was relax and spend some time with me.  He wasn’t smiling because…well…because people don’t smile all the time…not every minute of the day…and if they do, don’t trust them, lol!  The man was tired! He wasn’t ready to talk to me about his day yet and needed time to unwind a bit.  The truth was:  It was not about me!

I quickly learned from my mistake and almost 17 years later, we still have a peaceful house …peaceful, not quiet…we do have 3 kids!  It’s a lesson that I have to remind myself all the time.  That is:  You don’t have to react to everything you notice.  Most of the time, like in the case of my husband, those things you notice have nothing to do with you. In fact, it is usually OUR reaction to what WE notice and how WE respond that causes the conflicts and strife in our lives. We can get all upset over something we notice that isn’t even true or accurate and then allow it to suck every bit of peace from us and steal our joy!  It happens at work with our co-workers, in our businesses with our clients, in our homes with our kids and our spouses, in our relationships with our friends, and sometimes even with strangers!  We begin our own “analysis” of something we notice…filling in the why’s and how’s of someone else’s behavior and we don’t have any of the facts.  Or even better, judging their behavior without understanding their situation.  I have been guilty of all of that (and still get caught in the trap from time to time).  So, this week’s challenge:  Don’t react to everything you notice!  Remember, It’s not about you! 🙂