The Voicemail…
I sat there listening to the voice message my friend left me while wiping away tears. Her message was similar to others I had received before. She told me she was calling because she was thinking of me and then said she knew I was “very busy” so to call when I could. Nice message right? The problem was that her tone when she talked about my being busy was full of attitude. It was nice. But it was kinda mean. And after many other similar voice messages and text messages left that week by other people in my life, I was feeling some kinda way about it. So there I sat, holding my phone…crying. Oh and let me tell you! This was not a cute cry like in the movies! There was no single tear falling dramatically down my cheek. This was an ugly cry…full of frustration, anger, resentment and even guilt.
The Problem…
As a married full-time working mom, I typically split the responsibilities of parenthood with my husband. We have a divide and conquer system. The problem was that at that particular point in my life, my husband was working an evening shift which meant that I was responsible for the majority of the parenting responsibilities. I had a job that required me to be “on” all day. As a result, I was usually irratable by 7 PM each day. My kids started to see me as grumpy and angry all the time. I couldn’t spend real quality time with them because I was always rushing them around. Hurry up and eat. Hurry up and bathe. Hurry up and brush your teeth. Hurry up and get in the bed. It was ridiculous! Oh, and I am not even going to tell you what my husband came home to each night! No man wants to come home to an angry, tired and frustrated wife! Yeah, that was rough…
Advice From a Child…
So there I was crying and wanting things to change. At that moment, my son came into the laundry room. (Oh yeah, the laundry room used to be my hiding place. Judge me if you must, but if you are a mom without a hiding place, you are missing out! At the time, I chose the laundry room because it was the one place everyone in my family seemed to avoid, LOL.) Anyway, my son came in the laundry room and saw me holding the phone and crying. I thought he would comfort me or give me a hug. Instead, he looked at me with a very serious look and said, “Mommy, you need to get your stuff together.” Then he just walked right out the door like he didn’t just see me crying like a baby sitting on a stool in the laundry room! But you know what? He was right!
Getting my stuff together…
Here are some things I did that worked for me:
- Start with a list. I decided to make a list of everything that I felt like I needed to do each day and then I highlighted the things that only I could do (meaning: things that others could not do for me). This was tough because I am one of those people who likes to have things done my way. My first list was terrible, I really couldn’t identify the things that only I could do and basically had a massive list of me doing everything. I had to be real with myself and think about what things I could ask other people to help with. I had to be alright with the idea that people may do things for me but not exactly like me. (Uh huh…you have to let it go. I know it’s hard, but you can’t do everything, right?) For instance, why was I making lunches for the kids? They were old enough to do that themselves! All they needed was some guidance and I could take that off my list! Also, why was I doing all the cleaning? My kids knew how to fold, wipe counters, load dishes in the dishwasher. And what they didn’t know, I could teach them.
- Talk to your spouse. Truth is, I was becoming resentful towards my husband because I perceived that he was “doing nothing” and I was “doing everything“. Listen, someone is in this situation right at this very moment! Let me just say that a marriage can end when resentment goes on unchecked! Talk to your spouse! I am blessed that my husband is a patient man! Seriously, I needed to let him know what I was going through. So, I did. Well, sort of…My “talking to him” was really me “blaming him” which was not fair or productive. So, I tried again. This time, we were out of the house, away from the kids and were both quite relaxed. I told him about my frustrations (and my list) and together we decided what he could help with. He even suggested we put resources into other kinds of help like a “mother’s helper” in the afternoons or a house cleaning service once a month.
- Find some time to unwind. One of the things I realized that made me so grumpy was the fact that I didn’t have any down time each day. I never stopped to shift gears from work to motherhood. So I talked to the kids (Gasp! yes, I talked TO them not AT them). They knew mommy was no fun in the evenings. They knew I was tired. So I asked them what they thought I should do. Do you know what they suggested? They decided that I should have a “mommy time out”. So, I set a timer to give myself 15 minutes when I got home each day. They could hear the timer so they knew when it was over. It worked. I sat and did nothing for 15 minutes. I know that doesn’t seem like a lot of time but it is longer than you think and it really did make a difference in my mood. Plus, the kids felt really good because they helped me come up with the solution.
I have a few more tips but will have to put them in the next post. These are the first things I did to help me fight the overwhelm and I encourage you to give them a try. If you have read this far, you probably can relate – otherwise you would have stopped reading! (Let’s face it, this post is long!) So let me say one more thing, if you are feeling overwhelmed recognize that there is nothing wrong with you (or your spouse). It is OK to feel that way. There is no handbook on how to work and be a mom. But you can make some changes to help you cope. The key is finding the things that work for you. If you have been there and done that, I would love to hear your tips on what you did to cope. Your tips may help others in the same situation. Until next time, here’s hoping you get your stuff together! 🙂