Mother’s Day Reflections from a Motherless Mom

I remember the first one.  The first Mother’s Day without my mother.  I was only 15 but I remember it because it was the first time I truly experienced the loss of a loved one.  It had been 7 months without her and now it was time to celebrate her yet she wasn’t there.  I was still processing the fact that she was not there, being reminded daily that life was…well…just not the same.  My home had changed.  My routine was different.  My closest friend and companion was gone.   What I remember most is that for the first time, I had a glimpse of what motherhood was all about.  You see, my grandmother (my mom’s mom, who I moved in with) was also grieving.  She did not expect to lose her daughter or have to take care of me in this way.  She was grieving and forced to sacrifice her grieving time to be strong for me.  In fact, many in my family were grieving.  I remember that many of the conversations on that day aimed at helping my grandmother and I to “feel better” ended up being conversations in which my grandmother ultimately had to console those people.  Isn’t that something?  She was grieving, yet she had to console others in their grief…she had just lost her own child…but she was sacrificing her grief for others and especially for me.

I slowly got used to the idea that my Mother’s Day celebrations would be different but I didn’t really understand it until I had my first Mother’s Day with a child of my own.   While I was very excited to be a mom, I was overwhelmed with the emotions that came with it.  It was another first.  Being a mother helped me understand what my own mother may have gone through when she was sick.  I suspect she knew she was going to die.  I can’t imagine the thoughts she may have had about my future and her not being part of it.  The fact that she would never see me graduate from high school or college… date my first boyfriend…drive a car… marry or have children of my own.  How she might have thought of all the things she wanted to teach me or the legacy she wanted to leave.  She may have even wrestled with the kind of mom she was and criticized herself for her perceived shortcomings.  As a new mom, I finally understood her role as my mother and the weight it carried.  I also understood the kind of mother I needed to be.  It’s why I cut myself slack as a mom.  I don’t worry about being perfect, I focus on being the best mom I can be.  It is why I choose to fight the imaginary dragons with my youngest child, even if my “to do” list doesn’t get done.  It is why I stop and listen to my oldest child tell me about her new favorite song, even if I have never heard of the singer.  It is why I talk to my son about his favorite video games, even though I don’t enjoy playing them.

This past weekend another Mother’s Day came and went.   As always, I wept a little for my mom (and my grandma) but I also took time to appreciate the blessing of motherhood.  The impact my efforts will have on my children.  I also took the time to pray for all the moms who no longer have their own mothers and the children who don’t have moms.  We can’t predict what will happen in our lives, but we can live with intention.  Intention to embrace every moment.   Intention to do the best we can do and forget the rest.  Intention to create memories that will last a lifetime.  Each day is a blessing, don’t waste it.   If you are a mother, happy belated Mother’s Day.  And if your mother is still living, stop right now and give her a call.  Let her know you appreciate her.  Let her know her sacrifice matters and know that yours does too. 🙂